Friday, 7 February 2014

Of Unity and Sex-Bombs with Morning Musume '14's 'Kimi no Kawari wa Iyasahinai' PV!

All thoughts and opinions within this post are entirely my own, and not yours. Yeah, I said it. They are MINE!!!! And I shall be selfish and keep them all to myself!!!! MY OPINIONS D8< Hiss, Hiiiiissss!!!!

When I thought about what sort of Post I would basically 'Return' with after my short-lived Hiatus, I could only think of doing a Pic Spam PV Review for you all, and of course that is what I have... Pic Spam AHOOOY!!!!

I find it quite fitting that I return with a Morning Musume ('14) PV Review now that my break away from blogging has ended, because that is how this blog started after all. And really, what better to review than the third and final PV from MoMusu's latest single, Kimi no Kawari wa Iyashinai? I mean I've reviewed the other two already, What is LOVE? on this blog and Egao na Kimi wa Taiyou sa on Selective Hearing, so of course I just had to review this one. Sure, it's a little late, but so what? Better late than never as they say!

So right now I am sitting here, ready to churn out this bad boy for you. Whether the review will be utterly crap or splendid is up to you to be honest, because I have not written in first person for a while (unless you count fanfiction) or given my opinions much except on Twitter, and as we all know it is very limited to what we can type when Tweeting. So, this is basically my second Review of 2014, and the first since coming back from my break. Are you ready? If so, LET'S GO!


And so the PV begins, with a sea of what looks like BLOOOOD!!!! Oh no wait, it's a scarf. Sorry!!!

Oh good Lord, we have stepped into Morning Musume's first official Lesbian love story... today's couple; Dayashi and her Baby Predator, Ayumin.

Oh shit, Riho saw me! Quick, hide you fools!!! She does not take lightly to being watched when canoodling with her beloved!

Dayashi: "So, you caught us..."
Baby Predator: "... Well fuck."

The look on Ayumin's face tells me Help, I am trapped! whilst the claw-like grip on her shoulder that is Riho's hand tells me I am not allowed to go anywhere the fuck near her.

Yeeeep... flex those muscles, Haruka. You're gonna need them when you have that inevitable punch up with Riho in the near future for lines and spotlight.

Really though, I can practically hear the instrumental of the Village People's Macho Man when I look at Haruka in this video. And Eripon, of course

Dayashi: "You will fucking DIE if you saw what happened behind those curtains..."

I saw nuthin', I tell ya, nuthin'! Would a mobster ever lie to ye, Dayashi, baby?

It's pretty clear which duo takes control of this video. And Dayumn, that Ayumin ponytail is defying gravity there!

... From now on within this post, I will call Ayumi... Dayumi!!!

Dayashi: "I wonder how many seconds it will take to kill this weak excuse of a human..."

Girls, girls... why are you checking your watches when you clearly have none on? You confuse me!

I think Sayumi just fangasmed all over herself. I mean how could she not? If I was her, even I would be in pure ecstasy by just knowing that I am Sayumi Michishge! Hnnnng!!!

Sayumi: "Hnnng....~"

... Mizukingdom, on the other hand, is having no fangasms. Why so boring, Oh Dull One?

Zuk: "Bitch, please."

Holy crap, Zukki looks damn hawt in this!!! I think the costume really suits her, and that confident I-am-better-than-YOU look is just so bad-ass and gorgeous, I can't even...

Zuk: "Shut the fuck up, and wait for it..."

... Wait for what?

Zuk: "... Hey, baby."

Holy shit HNNNNNNGGGGG!!!!!

Dayumi: "Oh no you DI'NT!!!"

OH YES I DID!!!! -snaps fingers and acts sassy-

Sakuranbo: "... What the fuck happened to my hair?"

Trust Sakura to distract us from being sassy by pointing out the most mundane of things... but yeah, what did happen to her hair!? Is that a weave?

Masaki does not look impressed, Mizuki is having a premonition about Dayashi and Dayumi's Doomed relationship, and Eriman is just... well, flexing. Isn't that all Eriman needs to do?

Eriman: "Yeah baby, that's right... I am buff. You should see my 10-pack."

How is it that even when trying to pull a Winky Fail (Hi, Reina) Sayumi still manages to maintain ultimate HAWTNESS and absolute perfection?

I'll tell you how... IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S SAYUMI, SON!

Sayumi: "Awwwww yeeeeeah~"

... This feels so wrong, but looks so right.

-slams head into desk- I am a pervert. Riho, stop acting sexy please -sobs-

Dayashi: "Fuck what you think, simpleton, I am sexy AND fabulous!!!"
Eriman: "Urgh, this chick is vile. Where's my Sakuranbo at, I miss her."

Eriman getting a face full of hair. Bet you aren't missing yours Eriman, are ya? It just means trouble.

Eriman: "Er, hello? Can you calm these fucking scarves down for a second? They're blocking my camera time..."

Eriman is certainly channelling his inner Gaki today. I am liking this!

Haruman: "Well hellooooooo Camera-man!"

Finally! We have some much needed Haruka exposure! Next time this happens H!P, I am filing a complaint!!!

Gurt damn, look at all them LEGS!!!! It's nice to see so much flesh in one video, I tell you!

Dayashi: "Yes, that's right... bow down to me, your Master, you lowly creatures... All Hail Riho!! Er, I mean Nippon!!!"

This looks a little like the line of evolution, but instead of apes we have beautiful, leggy young women and a few men... <3

Sakuranbo: "Bitches, the princess is coming through!"

Oh yeah, you go Sakuranbo! Get yo sass on, gurl! TWERK IT!!!! I mean WORK IT!!!

Eriman: "Oh Hell Naw, you did NOT just tell me what to do!"

Eriman does not like Sakuranbo's sass, or her weave-whatever-it-is.

Haruman: "Ahahahaha okay guys, pipe down a second. We don't wanna get into any unnecessary fights now..."

Haruman, the peace maker of it all, and one of the cutest boys I have ever seen! D'awwww <3

Is this dance move meant to represent the holding of the Olympic Torch aloft, and then the ceremonial burning of the ground? Wait, that's not a part of the Olympics? Then why are they even doing that move!? It makes no sense!

... If I ever doubted that Dayumi would never look like a shark again, well, all doubt is gone. I am reminded of why I called her Baby Predator all those years ago through this one screen cap.

Please don't kill me!!! -quivers in corner-

FINALLY!!!! I have some of my Harunan, who admittedly looks a bit drunk here, but whatever. HARUNAN!!!

Harunan: *hick* "Schaaaayuuumeeee ghave me shumthing fhunnee... to dhriinnk..." *hick*


Haruna, why have you passed out on me? Hello? -prods with stick-

I absolutely love watching this scene because it makes me giggle so much. Why? Because I am evil and find it hilarious to watch Ayumi jump and look so tiny against everyone else. It's bloody humorous, and I LOVE IT!!!!

-cackles relentlessly- Tiny people like Ayumi are so cute and fun to watch sometimes >8D

Masakins: "And this is how we cradle the baby in my family."
Zuk: "Wait, you don't lift it onto the top of your head?"
Eriman: *Lugs weights around* "Why the fuck are you all talking about babies?"

Dayashi: "Holy fuck, I am just so goddamn perfect."

I have to say, Dayashi really does take the cake with this video. She is pretty much nailing every one of her scenes, and yes, she OWNS IT!!!! Dayumn!!!

Masakins: "Wha-what about me?"

Awwww, how cute! Masaki truly is the baby of the group, it's so sweet. She really has no clue how to pull off sexy at all, does she? Don't worry though Masakins, we love you no matter what!!!

... HOLY ISHIKAWA RIKA!!! How the fuck did you... wha...? Se-sexy...?

Masakins: "You were saying?"

Haruman: "Arrrrr, there be the Camera-man!"

Haruka's happy to find the camera again, though she's going a bit Hulk SMASH on whoever is shooting this scene right now.

... Wait, why is Zukkini doing a bit of the Egao no Kimi wa Taiyou sa dance? Wrong video, girl! But you look good, so who cares right?

Zuk: "I don't give a fuck what you think, I play by my own rules. Psht!"

This girl is rocking her scenes, let me tell you! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!!!

Sakuranbo: "All dem bitches bow for me."

... It looks a little like a Zombie mosh pit, if you ask me. Especially Eripon. She has just lost all care.

Haruman needs no one! Haruman is satisfied with just touching himself!

Haruman: "Oh yeah, baby... right there..."

I feel like this scene represents something, and I will be honest with you, I have no clue what it represents. I just loved the angle of the shot and how they are positioned!

Sakuranbo: "Okay bitches, the shows about to start and I am the STAR!!!"

Sakuranbo: "So don't not one of you DARE to fall out of fucking line, or I will break your ovaries so hard you will be wishing you were never born! Got it!?"

Look at Sakura, owning that line. She knows she is workin' it and owning it! Yeeeeah gurl, go get 'em!

Dayashi: "Sakura, baby, if you come anywhere near my ovaries, then be sure to know that I will eat your fucking intestines and CRUSH that almighty skull of yours in the process, kay? KAY!!!!"
Haruman: "I see a camera..."

I think that Haruka has her hunting skills down, she has totally zoned in on Camera-man-san!.

Haruman: "Awww fuck yeah, the camera's back! I missed ya, baby!"

I can understand your happiness at being in front of the camera, Haruman. It does not linger on you enough...

... Say Hello to Morning Musume's very own rendition of the Mexican Wave.

Haruman: "Awwwww yeah, let's get down and freaky!!!"
Eriman: "Ayyyye, what you fuckin' lookin' at boy!? You wanna PIECE O' ME!?"

Zuk: "You want a piece of THIS?"

Zukkini expresses her anger at not having the camera on her enough, and for one I totally agree with her anger! You shake that fist, Zukki baby!!! Grrrr!!!

Dayumi: "You are feeling sleepy, ever so sleepy..."

Dayumi, what sort of Hocus Pocus trick are you pulling now?

Dayumi: "... A trick that will make me taller?"

Hahahahahhaaha not gonna happen any time soon, kid!

Eriman: "Hey gurl, wanna feel ma muscle?"

YES PLEASE!!!! -Fangirls hard- EEEEP!!!!

And so we're back to cradling babies or lugging weights, though Eripon clearly does not give a flying fuck right now.

I didn't know that this new song called for a bit of Stacy's choreography from the stage play, but clearly it does!

Okay, now we're doing the robot... Girls, make up your minds! Are we Teenage Zombie Killers or Robots!?

Wait, so now we're incorporating a bit of Wagamama Ki no Mama in there?

... Seriously? Help Me!! choreography? What are we playing now H!P, guess the Dance this is copied from?

Seriously, I could make a drinking game out this if I wanted to.

I would also be pretty drunk by now if I had thought of this earlier... hm...

Sakuranbo: "Oh my God..."

Sakuranbo: "I... I just want to touch myself, I'm so... so..."

Sakuranbo: "... Beautiful!!!"

... Did Sakura just fangasm all over herself right now? I think she did...

Sakuranbo: "You can look, but you can not touch!!! That privilege is for Eriman ONLY!!!"

Oi oi oi, girl, you're younger than me... Don't you DARE tell me off and wag that finger at me!!!

Dayashi: "Bitch, pipe the Hell down! It's my time to shine again!!!"

Raise your hands up for Dayashi!

Dayashi: "Oh God... I am so Hot~"

The rest of Morning Musume seem to be ignoring Dayashi's vanity right now, which is pretty understandable.

Dayashi: "My Desciples... RISE! RIIIIISE FOR MEEEEEEE!!!!"

... I had to, I just had to!!! This screen caption called to me like Jesus to his (her) disciples!!!

Masakins could totally be in a hair commercial right now...

Masakins: "Because I'm worth it!"

... And that is how you sneak into a Morning Musume concert inconspicuously, girls and boys!!!

Actually it looks more like they are doing those crouch-clicks from cheesy 1960's based musicals. Aye aye aye...

I really do wish I knew what the hell this dance move meant, but I don't, unless it's various forms of the Red Sun and how it rises and descends in Japan.

... Oh and look, once again Eriman gives little to no fucks!!! YAAAAY!!!

Eriman: "I am so done..."

Masakins: "... These fucking scarves are too bright, can't you dim them down a bit, editor-san?"

Harunan: "... Chiima, don't you love me any more?" *sobs*

Awww, guuuurl, of course I do! I just haven't screencapped you much cos this PV shows little of you, or you don't look very flattering...

Harunan: *cries more*


Haruman: "... Did YOU just make my Baby Gurl CRY!?!?"

Eeep, Haruman is angry!!! HIIIDE!!!!

Fukuhime: "Hahahaha, that's what you get for thinking I'm boring..."

How is my offending Harunan payback for you being dull as dirt?

Fukuhime: "Erm, well... it just is!!!"

... Nice debate work there, Fukuhime.

Okay... why does Sakuranbo look like she wants to kill me?

Sakuranbo: "I DO want to kill you."


Sayumi: "Don't worry, I don't want to kill you <3 Teehee~"

That's because you're perfect, Sayu.

Sayumi: "I know~ Hehe~"

Oh will you look at that, we're back to our Lesbian Love Story. You know girls, if you weren't so... obvious about your affair, I wouldn't know about it. In fact, no one would know about it.

Dayashi: "Oh pipe the fuck down, you nobody!"


You know, I never noticed this before now, but... WOW, look at those legs on Riho!!! Dah and YUM!!!!

Now if only they were wearing red, then I would say that it looks like they are representing the Red Sun of Japan. But nope. We are just a blue fucking circle. Great.

Oh good Lord... this is a really good PV. And yes, it is because of the amount of gorgeous shots it has, and also because of... well, everything!!!!

Okay, so Kimi no Kawari wa Iyashinai is not a perfect PV by any standards, nor is it a ground-breaking, original video. In fact it follows the same basic mould that every other Hello! Project PV has used, except with different costumes and a different setting. However, it is still a pretty damn epic PV in my eyes, and that is because of these critical elements:

The girls, and of course those beautiful solo shots and that dance sequence. My God, this is good. I can already feel the fangasms coming on... hnnnnng!!!!

Okay, momentary fangasms over and done with, yes I do like this PV. Even more so that Egao no Kimi wa Taiyou sa, which I actually didn't think was possible given how beautiful and glorious I thought that PV was, but honestly speaking I do think that this PV here beats it hands down. Of course we have different opinions on what is good and what is bad (and many may say this is bad) and we differ in what PV's are our favourites based on both style and how it looks, but for me Kimi no Kawari wa Iyashinai is probably the most polished, professional looking Promotional Video from Morning Musume to date... and that is a pretty big thing for someone to say if you ask me, but truth be told that is how I truly feel about this PV.

This PV is just gorgeous. It has a clean, fun look about it that is eye-catching and enticing for the viewer thanks to the beautiful colours used, which create a nice contrast and balance for the viewer. Whilst at first I wondered why Morning Musume were wearing blue instead of red, because this is of course the Olympic song, I actually find that the blue and black mesh costumes create a surprisingly calm balance between the red curtains and the white floor. Also, it allows the girls to stand out more, so this is a smart move on the costume designers part. It also helps that I find those costumes absolutely stunning as well.

In fact, all of the styling for this video on the girls was absolutely wonderful. None of them looked terrible, which is a first, and they all just looked good. Especially Riho.

Now, don't even get me started on Riho, because she was just glorious in this PV. And no it isn't April Fools, I assure you. I am being very truthful here when I say that the knock-out member from this PV was pretty much Riho for me, with Haruka coming close behind in second place, and that's because Riho is just absolutely stunning in this video. From her body language (which screams sexual pheromones, I swear) to how she looks at the camera and expresses herself is astounding, it's as if she has just totally found herself and immersed this new version of Riho onto the camera. She has wowed me in this video with that amazing confidence, that look of domination in her eyes and the feeling of 'Ace' that she has been exuding a lot recently, and to an extent it is rather scary to see Riho this way, but also exhilarating. To say that she has totally dominated my mind in this PV as well as how I feel about her now (which is: ACE 5EVER!!!) is rather frightening but welcoming as well.

In short, she has amazed me and completely dominates this PV. The other girls can just go home, she is that captivating!

Of course the other girls were amazing too, don't get me wrong, it's just that Riho was better than they were, but it doesn't mean that the others were bad either. In fact, everyone was pretty much on-point in this video, from their looks to how they nailed the dance and their solo shots. Seriously... wow. I don't think that I have ever seen Zukki with as much sass in this video, or Eripon with this amount of attitude. There is also Haruka, who at some points looks like that darling little girl we adore, and then suddenly she becomes this boyish looking girl who is pretty damn hardcore and just knows how to switch on when the camera is trained on her. Let's not forget Masaki either, who is so darned adorable it hurts, but then suddenly she pulls an Ishikawa on us and becomes this little sex-bomb with her pouty lips and alluring eyes. Yes, I said that; Masaki is basically a little sex-bomb when she wants to hit that switch, and it surprised me. A lot.

Honestly, I was really surprised by the members of Morning Musume ('14) in this video, because I didn't expect everyone to act the way they did; sassy, cool and full of attitude and charm. I seriously did not expect to see all of them as in-tune with the song as I did, but they were, and they continue to amaze me through my re-watches even now with how jaw-droppingly gorgeous and amazing they are. To say that their abilities as performers has improved is a bit of an understatement, because their performance abilities on-camera have sky-rocketed, or at least in terms of their presence on-camera. If I thought that they were great in their last MV's, then they are absolutely amazing in Kimi wa Kawari Iyashinai, and they are shining like stars! They all look awesome, and they are emulating all types of attitude and ability.

Honeslty, I could talk more about how I think the girls have blossomed into amazing performers, but I need to talk about the dance as well, because I kind of have yet to speak of it. So no more drooling over the girls Chii, it's dance time!

And what a cool dance it is, right? RIGHT!!! I mean sure, it steals a few dance sequences from past singles (Kono Chikyuu, Help Me!!, Wagamama and probably more) but I still rather like the dance itself. It';s fun and catchy, and I have many-a-time found myself to be copying the catchy dance from the chorus where they wave their hands and then bounce up and down. It's cute and captivating, though of course there are a few questionable dance moves thrown in there like when the girls headbang to the parts that include Irony in the lyrics.

Whilst there are a few questionable parts though, there also some pretty amazing parts, namely Sakura's dominating solo line where she pretty much catwalks her way down the line of members whilst blitzing that perfect line of hers... Oh yeah, it is fantastic, and it works. I don't think I have ever seen Sakura sound or look so stunning and confident, and it was beautiful to see it embraced in the way of dance, showing off that amazing confidence perfectly. It worked, and it had me on the edge of my seat.

Also under the amazing banner in name of the choreography for this video has to be Haruka; praise Riho and Ayumi all you want for their crisp, perfect moments, but for me Haruka is where it is at; every time watched this dance shot, my eyes were always drawn to Haruka because she pretty much owns this dance. Have you seen her move? I have, and when I watch Haruka dance it is filled with attitude and happiness, all combined. She has this pure look of love and enjoyment on her face, you can see every ounce of enjoyment for the performance aspect etched on her face, especially during those parts where the girls beat their fists onto their legs and weave from side to side frantically. It is so spectacular to see Haruka, who is a diamond to watch anyway, have so much fun and love for what she does. Of all the members in Morning Musume, Haruka was my favourite of them all to watch during the dance shot, and she was just incredible in it.

As a video Kimi no Kawari wa Iyashinai is a fun video with a crisp, clean look that will truly appeal to a viewer. It may not have much going for it in terms of its imagery, having only dance and close-up shots, but what it does have is a lot of attitude, confidence, sass and enjoyment from the members that is just so wonderful to watch. The girls look and feel amazing, and their performance level has truly grown since their last video which is amazing in itself. Kimi no Kawari wa Iyashinai is a polished video that is quite refreshing and thoroughly enjoyable from start to finish, and in my eyes it is the perfect video to represent Japan's Sochi Olympics of 2014; it brings energy and happiness to the viewers, and it shows the amazing unity and talent of the Morning Musume members.

Let's all come together as one with the red sun of Japan, and the blue waves of Morning Musume ('14). Are you ready to cheer for NIPPON!?


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